There was a man, a man I loved deeply. After a brief romance he admitted he couldn’t commit; commitment had been an ongoing fear of his throughout all of his relationships. I knew this and expected one day ours would end. Sure enough the time came. Painful though it was I knew it was for the best.
I went my way, he went his. Time and distance separated us giving me space to heal. More than a year has past. In addition, I spent many weeks away separated by hundreds and even thousands of miles. They say time heals all wounds….
One day I was caught off guard as I saw him across the room. We were in a room full of many of our peers and caught each other’s eye. That’s when I knew. I knew time and distance hadn’t diminished how I felt. My head had done a double take as I spotted him across the room. And unless I was imagining things so did his. We both quickly averted our eyes and avoided any contact. However, it was in that moment that I knew I loved him as deeply as the day we ended our relationship. It was also in that moment that I knew that he had feelings for me, too.
Suddenly this encounter had my thoughts reeling in disarray once again. Knowing that he was averse to commitments, yet still had some attraction to me and realizing how strong my feelings were made it impossible to keep my mind off of us.
I succumbed to an offer to meet. After all it was just a brief, friendly meeting over coffee. No harm can possibly come from a brief meeting in public, right? Wrong! The thoughts swirled in my head unable to find order and clarity. Logically I knew there was no future for us. Logically I knew a year later my feelings shouldn’t be this strong. Logically I could tell myself a thousand reasons why I should walk away and think no more about us. However, my thoughts were lead by my heart not logical reasoning.
Three days later I was still going over and over the “goodbye” message in my mind, the message I desperately wanted to tell him in person. Logical reasoning hadn’t come brought me to my senses and my feet hadn’t made me run far enough away. The heart I thought had mended from time and distance was feeling ripped apart by the strong emotions I felt. And, despite the fact that I usually have a great amount of self-discipline nothing I could say to myself kept my thoughts from turning to him--to us.
The heart doesn’t allow me to understand everything. The heart continues to lead me in the area of love. And although I think “If only………”, I know I love him enough to wish him everything he hopes to find without me. Love makes us want the best for those we hold dear, and that I understand.